The "Please Don't" Stuff...

PARKIN' & STUFF like that Ok. Here’s the deal. I’ve lived in the apartment next door to Quail Haven for the past 8+ years, but recently bought a 30-year mortgage of my own & have moved. We now have have a monthly tenant living in the apartment for you to torture (say "Hi" to Jackie!). For that reason, I just wanted to mention a few things to alleviate any potential frustrations. Hopefully they’ll make you laugh a little! So with tongue firmly in cheek...

PLEASE DON’T PARK IN FRONT OF THE APARTMENT. Please park toward the house. Quail Haven has lots of parking, but the apartment…not so much. I spent many a summer with a view of nothing but vehicles. (And they were always nicer. Rats.) I could rarely park in front of my place or in any shade out front either. By the way–please tell your kids & guests -- the sunroom and patio at the apartment are private. It’s NOT a magical tree house. You are not suddenly “invisible” when you play or drink beer there at 3 am. Also, please remember that cupping hands around your eyes and peering in the windows is considered tacky in these here parts (‘cept fer in Entiat, then them’r jest considered good datin’ skills.) Don’t use the outdoor items (hoses, furniture, etc.) around that area as they likely belong to the tenant who’ll be hotter ’n a pistol if she gits a hold-a ’ya. Then I got jest two words fer ya: bob & weave.

PLEASE DON’T PARK IN UNPAVED AREA BESIDE THE APARTMENT’S COVERED PATIO/CARPORT We use this as a back-in & turn around area only. If one’a ya’all are parked there we gotta back up clear to road. Honey, have you ever SEEN a woman back up an ENTIRE length of a driveway? It ain’t purdy. Besides, bein’ forced to use mirrors fer backin’ purposes simply interferes with make-up application & simultaneous cell phone usage and causes all sorts of problems thereafter. Honey, jest don’t park there.

DON’T PARK BESIDE THE DRIVEWAY ON THE GRASS – We’ve got pop-up sprinklers & PVC pipes that will break if you drive or park on ‘em. On a positive note, you’ve just created some excitin’ vacation memories. You will git to see Luis all serious 'n saying sumpthin’ in Spanish as he’s tryin’ to keep the bank from washin’ down over the hill. NOTE TO SELF: Pack digital camera.

DON’T PARK UNDER THE PINE TREES unless, of course, you would like what we in these-here parts proudly call a no-charge "Hillbilly Carwash". (That’s when ya’ leave ‘er parked in the sprinklers jest to git off the big stuff before an important date.) We’ve got sprinklers through that area that we need to turn on at any time. If you don’t want the inside of your car filled with water, pitch, pine needles & the random squirrel you should roll up yer winders, folks! We’ve had landscaping die before because we couldn’t irrigate. SO REMEMBER: We won’t be trackin’ ya’all down to git’cha to roll up winders. We’ll jest figure you’re lookin’ fer a new Norman Rockwell type-a-vacation experience. Remember, it’s GOOD to try new things. 

THE MORE I THINK ‘BOUT IT…SHUCKS. JEST TRY NOT ’TA PARK at all. If someone could drive your vehicle for the entire duration of your stay, we’d be ok with that. (Just kiddin’. Park away.)

SMOKIN’ Absolutely no smokin’ in the house. If we see smoke, we’ll automatically assume you are on fire and take appropriate measures. If you smoke OUTSIDE, well then, that’d be alright. We just ask that ya’ all PLEASE clean up your cigarette butts and other garbage. And land sakes. Don’t leave it in the flower beds, garage or pool for Mom to hafta’ clean up. It makes ‘er mad and we have to hear about it.  

PETS No pets are allowed on the property --anywhere--at any time. Except pet rocks. Pet rocks are ok. But as far as the breathin’ kind - don’t bring ‘em with the idea they can stay in the garage, outside, or in your car. It’s way too hot and the temptation is just too great to let them inside when they give you that pathetic look. (Y’all know the one.) By the way -- your whole group will be unceremoniously evicted and we will not refund fees or deposits. Not kiddin’. No breathing pets of any sort. Not even small cute ones as they still make a mess.

BBQ A gas grill is provided. Please don’t BBQ on the deck. There’s LOTS of room around the house. (Grease from the BBQ will stain the composite material the deck is made from and it’ll look like a buncha’ Hillbillies live there.) By the way, we try to check it but sometimes we forget – IF you run out of propane, take the tank down to Ernie @ the gas station by the swimming area in downtown Manson. He’ll fill it for us. Tell him it’s ours. He’ll roll his eyes & just bill us for it.

TOILET PAPER Gads! Of all things to have to talk about. Here’s the…(er…) poop: We stock all the paper products prior to you gittin’ here. We put 4 rolls ‘a toilet paper in each bathroom…plus there’s one already “on” the roll in each. There’s a total-a 4 water-closets so by my country math that’s 20 rolls ‘a  toilet paper.  If, IF you are going to need more than 20 rolls ‘a poopin’ paper, we ask ya’ to kindly pack the trusty Sears catalog or maybe even see a medical specialist of some sort. Kidding. Actually, if you could pick some up at the grocery store, we’d rightly appreciate it. People have called me at 2am for more. (They’ve even knocked on my bedroom window -- and they did that hand cuppin’ round the eyes thing. Where ya’ll brought up, anyway?!) While we’re on the subject, jest what’re you city slickers eatin’ over there anyhow?! We leave 2 rolls of paper towels out for ya’ too. Go ahead. Live it up. Go hog wild. Yer on vacation.

FURNITURE Move ALL furniture back to their original positions before you leave. This includes BBQs, picnic tables, indoor & outdoor patio & pool furniture.  You’ve got the hunka’man to move it in the first place – use the same hunka’man to move it back. He likely wants to show off anyway—any excuse ta’ take his shirt off. We’ve have small framed, anemic, wimpy-type girls that clean the house. Too frail to move furniture. Please don’t break our girls.

LINENS Please don't wash any of our linens with colored items. A special request from my Mom (she’s fanatical about the linens!) is that you do not launder our bath mats. They fade & bleed really badly! We’ve had people ruin many of our things this way. We’ll wash all of those when you leave. Also – Mom takes a careful inventory of the linens before you arrive & your deposit WILL BE CHARGED if they are missing or damaged. Oh – and if you wear enough mascara to rival Tammy Fay Baker, PLEASE don’t ruin our washcloths with it! Mom gets mad and I have to listen to THAT too! And while we’re at it—for land’s sake – lighten up! You’re on vacation! Remember girls–“less is more”! Apparently the same goes with the bathin’ suits these days. Heavens to Betsy! But that’s alright - we ain’t lookin’. :)

SWIMMING POOL TRACY (cell 509.860.2638) & LYNETTE (cell 509.679.0846) take care of the pool for us, so you’ll see them come and go daily. They’re good friends of ours and know a lot about the house and valley as well. Feel free to ask them questions. They’re awesome. Now, about the pool: Please do not handle the free roaming “Polaris” cleaning robot in the pool.  If you’re uncomfortable with it in, please call Tracy or Lynette to have it removed. As a last resort, you can call Dad (aka: Roger) (cell 470.2202) or me, Kari (cell 860.2308). The Polaris is very expensive to replace & you will be charged for ANY DAMAGE the unit receives during your stay.  Additionally, do NOT turn pool pumps OFF AT ANY TIME. (If you can’t sleep, tough. They make pills for that.) The pump could seize and replacement is very costly. This has happened. MAIN PUMP switch should be ON AT ALL TIMES. The only thing you should be “monkeying around with” over by the pump are the LIGHT SWITCHES for the lights surrounding the pool & the light in the pool itself. They’re clearly labeled. DO NOT LEAVE ITEMS (small or large) IN THE POOL WHEN YOU AREN’T USING IT. Things drift down into the skimmer & block the water flow which will burn up the pump. Things also get caught in the Polaris & can damage it too. Please don’t leave air mattresses on the lawn. This includes tents & other items that “smother” the grass in the hot sun. It will kill the grass very quickly & then we have to live with dead spots in the lawn for the rest of the summer & it looks like a bunch’a white trash lives there. Don’t do that. It will be considered damage & we’ll charge you through the nose for it.

WASHER/DRYER If you use the washer/dryer -- please remove lint from the trap after each use. It takes forever for them to dry if you don’t -- as well as being an extreme fire hazard. Don’t burn the house down. (Yep. Better mention that.) Better yet -- if you want to use the pool fence to hang wet suits or towels on…it takes only a few minutes in the summer for them to dry. It’s awesome -- try it!  (You won’t want to leave them out for extended periods, as the sun will fade them. Please don’t take our blankets or linens outdoors for this reason as well.)

AIR CONDITIONIN’ Please help us conserve energy by keeping the doors of the home closed & cool air inside. We want to cool OUR air, not our neighbors. If doors are left open, the system will run continuously and the home will not be cooled. (It will suck. Trust me. You will sweat like pigs.) You also run the risk of the unit seizing if it runs too long without cooling the home or itself. This will also be considered damage if we have to fix it.  We don’t wanna hafta fix it.

LOUSY ANTS & FRUIT FLIES ANTS will be attracted if the counters aren’t wiped down and there are bits of food left (sweet or otherwise). We’ve had problems with them over the past few years (as has everyone else in the valley), but find that this simple task can pretty much alleviate the problem. Also note this problem is NOT exclusive to the kitchen. It happens if food, wine, beer, crumbs, etc. get spilled or left outside at the pool, bedrooms, or wherever. So -- unless you’re plannin’ on startin’ up yer own ant farm, wash up. FRUIT FLIES will be attracted into the home if you have fruit or wine out on the counter instead of the refrigerator. Also -- if the doors are left open (especially in the evening) they will fill the home. The only solution to getting rid of these is to not git'em in the first place. They’re enough to make ya’ crazy! At times they come in HUGE swarms, so please keep the doors closed & fruit/wine in the fridge (unless you’re drinkin’ it -- then drink up & just strain ‘em through your teeth. This is also locally known as "Hillbilly Wine".

 GARBAGE The dumpster next to the shed is for your use at Quail Haven, but we also use it for our restaurant, Blueberry Hills, so don’t hog the whole thing. PLEASE break down your boxes! (Better yet – there are recycle bins downtown Manson.) Please don’t leave your recycle stuff in the garage. We don’t have time to haul it. If it’s garbage, land sakes -- toss it! When you leave, please put ALL garbage IN the dumpster. We get overage charges if it’s on the ground or overfilled. If it’s your stuff, we will cheerfully pass those charges along to you. IMPORTANT: The garbage truck comes on MONDAY MORNINGS. They need unobstructed access to the dumpster. Don’t block the dumpster in. If they if they can’t get to it -- they won’t take it & we get charged anyway. Believe me -- you don’t want our restaurant garbage there for the rest of your week any more than we do. (Sidebar/Funny Story: One year guests had a fabulous crab dinner on a Monday night. Holy Moly. It was truly revolting by the following Monday. Same group came back the next year and decided that SUNDAY was a much better nite fer crab. :)

 FIREPLACE Please don’t use the fireplace or wood stove during the summer months.  And PLEASE --  no roasting hot dogs or marshmallows in the home. And NO. No s’mores either. (Yes, this has actually happened.) :)
 

UPSTAIRS    DOWNSTAIRS